I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
