Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
