I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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