he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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