Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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