My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
