I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
