elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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