he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
