he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
