I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My penis needs a shock collar
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
