I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
