I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
