I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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