remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
