dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
