I didn't shave. On purpose
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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