I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
