So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
