Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I deserve this hangover.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
