you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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