why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
