I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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