Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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