she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
