I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
