The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
