I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
well you can't waste a boner
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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