I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
