just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
