3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
