Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
