ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
