So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
