so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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