Having a random hookup so left but love u
wanna go halves on a baby?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
