Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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