Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
