I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
