I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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