i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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