Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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