The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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