I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
