I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I have post one night stand depression
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
