I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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