just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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