I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
