It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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