Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
