I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
